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This was meant to be a gentle discussion of the nature of love and how to navigate all the turmoil it can bring at your age, but then a rape allegation at Wits University and wide-spread protests against harassment and assault changed all of that.
We need to talk very straight and very clearly about the culture that makes GBV and sexual harassment not only possible but prevalent.
(While there are instances of women assaulting men, that is a miniscule minority. So, we’re focusing on the men harassing and assaulting women.)
Guys, here are some simple red lines you should NEVER cross:
1. No unwanted physical contact, ever
A woman is the boss of her body. Do not touch her, any part of her, in any way, if she does not want it.
2. No sexual comments, jokes or innuendoes
Don’t comment on her body, clothing, attractiveness, or sex life. Don’t make sex jokes or jokes with double meanings. Women are different. They do not respond to these things like your mates over a beer.
3. No inappropriate digital behaviour
• Don’t send late-night messages that become flirtatious.
• NEVER send sexual emojis or images. NEWSFLASH: women do not find dick pics attractive, never mind sexy. On the contrary, they react with shame and disgust (there are many and varied research studies on this issue.)
4. No romantic or sexual advances if you are in a position of power or seniority
Yes, that includes you being on the SRC, or being her tutor/mentor, or – heaven forbid – her lecturer.
5. No repeated unwanted attention
If someone is clearly uninterested, uncomfortable, or gives short/neutral responses, leave her alone. She’s just not that into you – grow up and move on.
When you’re in a relationship
Now, let’s talk about what happens in relationships, between people who have decided they love each other and they want to be together, at least for now, maybe for ever.
Enjoy it, enjoy every moment … but if something bothers you, if you feel there is a small pebble in your shoe, don’t disregard it. Think, when you’re alone and not under the spell of a kiss: does this person really respect me? Listen to me? Support me? What do they mean when they say “I love you”?
Jealousy is not a compliment. It shows a lack of trust.
The first time someone hurts you physically, walk away AND TELL ANOTHER PERSON WHO CAN SERVE AS YOUR WITNESS. Do not hide. It is not you who should be ashamed. If your partner comes back, begging for forgiveness and promising it will never happen again, go back to your “witness”: having seen you after it happened, would they want you to be with this person?
The physical side of love
Sex is important. It can have enormous emotional and physical consequences. This is perhaps more for the girls out there: make sure that whatever you do is the result of a conscious choice. Decide for yourself, clearly, preferably when you’re alone, what is ok for you and what is not. Other people’s opinions don’t matter. It’s about what you want and don’t want. Don’t fall for the line, “If you love me, you will…” No. If your partner loves YOU, he will not try and make you do something that makes you uncomfortable and unhappy.
Physical intimacy should build the relationship and bring you closer. When you look at each other tomorrow, neither of you should be angry or ashamed.
It has been said that men give love to get sex, and women give sex to get love. Don’t be that guy. Don’t be that girl. Make sure that the love and the sex are part of mutual sharing and giving.
Every one of us has our own views and beliefs about the rights and wrongs of sex. That is up to you. But whatever you believe to be right or wrong, there are always consequences.
Unprotected sex can cause HIV or other diseases.
- Unprotected sex can start a baby.
- Can you live with that? Do you want to?
A baby will change your life forever. Do not let it happen because you were not thinking straight, or you wanted to be cool, or you did not want to lose the guy, or you wanted something to brag about. Apart from yourselves, it is completely unfair to the baby.
Imagine having to make a decision about an unwanted pregnancy. What will it mean to you? And to your family?
You do not have to face this alone. Get counselling. Contact Childline, Lifeline or SADAG, the Depression and Anxiety Group. Universities also often have helplines, which you will find on their websites. Reach out.
This is a time of intense relationships. To keep your balance, first try and love yourself. Many of us find this difficult, and because we don’t love and respect ourselves enough, we give in to what others want from us. Find the lovely poem Desiderata on youtube and listen to it:
“You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars
You have a right to be here…”
Don’t compare yourself with others. Not all trees are tall, not all stars are equally bright. You are you. You are a child of the universe. You have a right to be here, fully you. You have a right to decide what you want to do with your mind and your body, and no one else can override that.
If you are in a good relationship, enjoy every moment, but don’t put your whole future on the table. Few people stay with their first loves. You will have many more choices. Be ready for them as well.
The GRAD team
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